Friday, February 25, 2005

The Silent, Suffering Partner

I haven't talked about T much. He's my husband, the baby's dad, and my brother Matt's brother-in-law.

Got all that?

He's been pretty great throughout this pregnancy, and I know how excited he is to have our first child. If for no other reason than because when we do, I won't be pregnant anymore. I'm not good at being pregnant so far. I'm (more) bitchy, (more) neurotic, and (more) prone to upset. At one point yesterday, I told him that if he ate one more baby carrot, I would surely divorce him. He ate the rest of the bag immediately, and wondered why I don't ever mean it when I say things like that. Then I ran him over with his own car and buried him in the vegetable garden. I hope I didn't do too much heavy lifting- it's bad for the baby.

Really though, I love him, despite the whole baby carrot thing. He just has to cut that shit right out.

FUNNY THINGS T HAS SAID SO FAR DURING THIS PREGNANCY:

At our six-week ultrasound: "It must be a girl. Considering that I'm the father, we'd have seen a penis by now."

At our last, scary appointment: "When Peggy said no intercourse, I had to bite my tongue so I wouldn't ask if a blow job was out of the question."

Regularly: T: "You look cute!"
K: "Yeah, for a fat chick."
T: "Right. Let me finish."

STUPID THINGS T HAS SAID SO FAR DURING THIS PREGNANCY:

"Are you going to work out today?"

"Are you sure you want to eat that?"

"How can you be tired? You slept 12 hours last night!"

"It'll be good if Gabi is in the delivery room. I'll have someone to make fun of you with."

THINGS WE SAY VS. THINGS WE MEAN SO FAR DURING THIS PREGNANCY:

At 3 am, when I get up to go to the bathroom, yet again:

T: "Are you okay?" WILL YOU SHUT UP? I'M TRYING TO SLEEP OVER HERE.
K: "Yeah, thanks." PUT THE PILLOW OVER YOUR HEAD IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, BUTTHEAD.

Last night after dinner:

T: "Do you want the whole brownie?" HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF YOUR ASS LATELY?
K: "No, we should split it." SELFISH BASTARD. YOU'RE DEPRIVING ME AND OUR BABY OF NECESSARY SUSTENANCE.

Nightly:

K: "Thanks for dinner." IF YOU LOVED ME, THERE WOULD BE ICE CREAM.
T: "No problem." DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ASKING ME TO MAKE AN ICE CREAM RUN. I'LL CUT YOU.

Our baby is going to be so well adjusted!

1 Comments:

Blogger Matt said...

Uh... any chance of refraining about giving blowjobs? Thanks. Next time I need to puke, I'll go back and read that post.

2:11 PM  

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