Wednesday, May 03, 2006

The Damage Done

I've been taking one of my usual bad attitude breaks.

For a variety of reasons, I am blue lately. Nothing serious, just.... blah. Perhaps it is the arrival of warm weather and the non-departure of the remaining baby weight. Perhaps it is the bad hair. Didn't I go through this last spring? What the hell, hair?

Perhaps it is because Johnny started sneezing and sniffling on Saturday and it is freaking me out.

Maybe it is nothing- maybe it is teeth or weather related. I can't help but to clench my fists and my jaw though, waiting for the shit to hit the fan.

I think that what this really is, this bluesy uninvited feeling that WON'T GO AWAY DAMMIT has to do with how I feel now that we are past the pneumonia. And now that we are past the pneumonia, I realize that I don't ever want to be in the middle of the pneumonia again. The pediatrician told us that there is a 30% chance of this recurring every time cold sypmptoms develop. Awesome. So every time there are sneezes or sniffles we may have to deal with a kid who can't breathe, can't stop coughing, and can't sleep. Of course I'm wondering what happened to make this... happen. Of course I end up wondering if I could have just tried for a little longer to nurse him, it would have HAD to work, and then we wouldn't be in this mess! Here is where I should mention that clearly, I'm not over the bottle feeding. Here is also where I should mention that finding a Johnny-sized hamster ball is sounding better and better to me.

I know that this is dumb. I'm wasting energy and time worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet. I know that it probably isn't my fault. I KNOW that I am lucky, and he's healthy, and we aren't dealing with anything serious. I know that if we do end up in the middle of the pneumonia again we'll end up being okay.

But okay sucks, you know? I'm into perfect. Especially for that little person who I HATE to see miserable. Ugh. I need to quit talking about it now, or there will be tears and whining.

I tried to post pictures of Mr. Sits Up By Himself, but I can't seem to upload. Hmm, bitchy posting and no cute baby pictures? Aren't you glad you stopped by?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

ok. Kelly, do you want my honest opinion? No? Oh well, I like using your blog comment area as my own personal sounding board. So, here goes -

Would Johnny have been healthier if you had continued to breastfeed him? Statistically, yes. I'm sure everyone and their mother can pipe up with antecdotal stories about how so and so wasn't breastfed and they are completely healthy or what's her name did breastfeed and her baby got tons of ear infections.

Statistically breastfed babies are healthier. Okay? But here's the thing - you don't know what that would have equated to for Johnny.
And here's the even bigger thing - you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Read it again. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Of course if someone had said, if you don't keep trying to make this nursing thing work, Johnny is going to be so sick and miserable this winter/spring, you would have done ANYTHING you had to nurse him. I know you would have. But you didn't know that at the time. *And I'm not saying that is the case anyhow.* Please, give yourself a break! You are an awesome mother! This is your first shot at it, you are doing a really fantastic job. Please trust me when I say this, I don't give out good mother compliments very often.

It sucks that Johnny has been so sick this year! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is nobody's fault. Well, maybe the devil's - you know, the whole fallen world blah blah blah ;)

Its not as if you have been feeding Johnny pepsi in his bottle and rubbing contamintaed kleenex in his face. If that were the case, well, then of course you'd be a bad mama and this would all be your fault. (you don't have anything to tell us, do you?) You are feeding him the best thing you can. you are taking care of him the best way you know how. And it really is good enough. Get outside this week as much as possible, the fresh air and sunlight(?) will do you both good.

Now repeat after me:

I. I am. I am lovable. I am lovable and capable. andimthebestmamaforthebestbabyingtheworld!

Hang in there. It really does get easier. Not the guilt so much, there's always something to feel guilty about. Ha!

The real anonymous - who loves you and that beautiful baby. Keep up the good work!

9:51 AM  
Blogger knocked her up said...

You are a great Mom. You tried very hard to breastfeed our child, I remember I was there. Maybe he would be healthier now if he was breastfed. Or maybe he would have been so sick as an infant because he wasn't getting the proper amount of nutrients that pneumonia would seem like a walk in the park. I am not an expert but from what I can tell you did do ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING to nurse him.I know you mean well ANONYMOUS but sometimes ANYTHING just isn't enough. Back then you did the best for our child and you continue to do so. You make it so easy to go to work in the morning knowing our child is in such caring hands.

1:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Back then you did the best for our child and you continue to do so.

knocked her up - I TOTALLY agee with what you wrote! I don't just "mean well", I actually think Kelly is a great mom and always has been!

Peace and love :)

1:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

okay, okay...I know what I meant to say for real this time.

Regarding this comment:

"Of course if someone had said, if you don't keep trying to make this nursing thing work, Johnny is going to be so sick and miserable this winter/spring, you would have done ANYTHING you had to nurse him."

I haven't stopped thinking about this for the last 3 hours...I have been thinking about how could I have conveyed what I meant. The difference should have been "you would have GIVEN anything to nurse him." That is what I meant in my heart.

I hope that is easier to understand. Honestly, I'm not really a biatch ;)

Love you all.

Same old real anonymous.

4:16 PM  
Blogger Knock Up said...

Am I going to have to separate you two? Do you want me to give you something to cry about? WAIT UNTIL YOUR FATHER GETS HOME!

6:17 PM  
Blogger Lynne said...

Kel -
I ache for you, perhaps because I relive those early months with you. However, I now know that I had postpartum depression, and again with #2. (I just learned that it escalates with each pregnancy which jives with my experience).
I'm not diagnosing you, but I do encourage you to get out in the fresh air and keep talking. You are really hard on yourself - please remember that we all love you and your hubby and your baby.
Best wishes

10:31 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home