Thursday, March 17, 2005

Kid Fears

I puzzle my mother.

This was confirmed last night, while we ate dinner together and talked about baby stuff. Granted, baby stuff is all we seem to talk about these days, and rarely if ever do we agree; but last night I finally got it. She doesn't judge me, disparage me, or belittle me- she is simply baffled by me.

And it is really okay. We're okay.

I expected my pregnancy to occur in a manner similar to a movie montage, complete with soft focus, fabulous wardrobe and a great soundtrack. It just ain't happenin', though. Luckily, as the weeks go on, I get more and more on board with how things are.

Things are scary. Really scary.

I worry that T and I won't like each other best anymore, that I'll be a terrible mom, that I won't be able to breastfeed or work a sling properly. I worry about PPD, and diaper rash. I worry about first baths and cradle cap, reflux problems and jaundice. In fact, I'm confident that I have worries that correspond with all stages of my future child's life. Most of all, I worry about how selfish and shallow I've been for the past 30 years. Does that really go away? What if it doesn't?

As I bared my soul to mom last night, she listened patiently, nodded wisely and empathetically, and said, "...but you and T wanted a family, right?"

I didn't feel cut off at the knees when she said it. She's right. We did. Now all of those things are part of the deal. All of the fears, all of the doubts. As T is so fond of saying, we bought the ticket, we knew what we were getting into.

It makes perfect sense now that I confuse my mom- I'm just realizing the amount of love and worry I'm capable of, and she's lived more years with that love and worry than without it. (Not that I caused her worry. It was mostly my brother Matt.) To those who are already parents, it must seem so simple. To me, it is like learning a new language.

Fortunately, I'm surrounded by very patient teachers.

3 Comments:

Blogger Claire...the Ann Arbor Hippie said...

Oh, Kelly, thank goodness you're normal! I think the questioning and worries are par for the course. If you DON'T feel that, there's probably something wrong.

Oh, and T might like this German saying that my friend Bettina uses whenever her youngest frays her nerves...
You could have had a goldfish instead of a child, but you chose a child.
Now, you have to tidy a life instead of a fish bowl. That life is a lot bigger responsibility than a fishbowl. It's GOOD that you feel some aprehension.

(ignore my poor spelling!)

9:53 AM  
Blogger knocked her up said...

Yeah but you can flush a goldfish.

2:06 PM  
Blogger Nancy said...

And you haven't even touched on the teen year worries yet...believe it or not, that's when breastfeeding problems, diaper rash, teething, and even labor and delivery become a fond memory!! Seriously, though, you two will be wonderful parents. For every aggravation there are at least a thousand laughs and great moments. Okay, maybe a hundred..but you get the idea. It's a great journey.

5:23 AM  

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