Monday, March 28, 2005

Look Out, Weekend

So, we tried to have a nice Easter yesterday.

I shouldn't say tried. We did have a nice Easter. It just would have been nicer if I weren't such a fucking lunatic.

I mean, people are going to comment on my appearance, my labored breathing, and the fast approach of summer and the havoc it will wreak on my pregnant self. People are going to tell their baby horror stories, and not spare a single, gory detail. People are going to wonder how I'll "make it" through the rest of this pregnancy if I'm already having such aches and pains. In short, people are going to continue to BE THEMSELVES, and I'll be left to wonder how the HELL I MANAGED TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH THEM BEFORE NOW, ANYWAY.

See? Lunatic.

I know in my heart of hearts that I'm the one who has changed. I'm the one with the heightened feeling of vulnerability- the one who feels like an ugly bomb that exploded. The f'ing lunatic, in other words. I have to stop expecting people to realize that I've lost my sense of humor and the ability to filter the inane from the somewhat sensible- I have to remember that I'm the one being unreasonable. More than that, though, I have to begin tuning the stupid comments out, because they aren't going to stop, and I'd like it if my in-laws can still stand the sight of me when this baby is born. After yesterday? The jury is out.

I hate it so much when I upset my husband. I embarrassed him yesterday by acting like a petulant brat around the people who know and love me the same way they have for four years now. And I'm so sorry. He never fails to tell me that he thinks I'm sexy and beautiful and strong- and I never fail to make him feel like his good opinion isn't enough.

It is enough. I am lucky.

1 Comments:

Blogger Claire...the Ann Arbor Hippie said...

Oh, Kel, please be gentle to yourself. I think we all find that the comments get to us. All of us!

Here I am doing this for the third time... and while I'd like to say that things have changed... they just haven't. So far I have yet to hear one positive thing that people have to say about having three kids.

I can not tell you the sheer number of times I've heard, "Oh, I could never do three." or "Two was a breeze, but three just about did me in." or "My friend has three and she says her life is just over! She can't go anywhere like she could with two." Etc etc etc.

I'm still looking for that one positive reaction or comment. Other than the quickly recovered, "Oh, but I'm sure you'll do fine." or "Oh, well I mean, they're all blessings." Yes... and yet you just spent ten minutes saying this was crazy!

(Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if our baby was planned... or maybe it would just make it all that much worse.)

Either way, I can relate to what you're going through. And, God help me if I hear another "Three is going to kill you" comment. I think I MAY KILL! ;)

11:57 AM  

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