Monday, March 28, 2005

Look Out, Weekend

So, we tried to have a nice Easter yesterday.

I shouldn't say tried. We did have a nice Easter. It just would have been nicer if I weren't such a fucking lunatic.

I mean, people are going to comment on my appearance, my labored breathing, and the fast approach of summer and the havoc it will wreak on my pregnant self. People are going to tell their baby horror stories, and not spare a single, gory detail. People are going to wonder how I'll "make it" through the rest of this pregnancy if I'm already having such aches and pains. In short, people are going to continue to BE THEMSELVES, and I'll be left to wonder how the HELL I MANAGED TO BE IN THE SAME ROOM WITH THEM BEFORE NOW, ANYWAY.

See? Lunatic.

I know in my heart of hearts that I'm the one who has changed. I'm the one with the heightened feeling of vulnerability- the one who feels like an ugly bomb that exploded. The f'ing lunatic, in other words. I have to stop expecting people to realize that I've lost my sense of humor and the ability to filter the inane from the somewhat sensible- I have to remember that I'm the one being unreasonable. More than that, though, I have to begin tuning the stupid comments out, because they aren't going to stop, and I'd like it if my in-laws can still stand the sight of me when this baby is born. After yesterday? The jury is out.

I hate it so much when I upset my husband. I embarrassed him yesterday by acting like a petulant brat around the people who know and love me the same way they have for four years now. And I'm so sorry. He never fails to tell me that he thinks I'm sexy and beautiful and strong- and I never fail to make him feel like his good opinion isn't enough.

It is enough. I am lucky.

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