Pity Party

I've recently been struggling mightily with the perception of worth. Specifically, my own worth. I currently make no financial contribution in our house, and oh the hand-wringing, moping, and soul-searching this development has caused. I want to stay home with John. It is important to me, to us. I think it is what he needs. I KNOW it is what I need. But at what cost? To what end?

I just thought it would be simpler. That I wouldn't cringe every time I spent money that I no longer feel is mine. It is important to note that T does not make me feel this way- he doesn't believe that that there is a his or a mine. He's more of an ours kind of guy. This is all me, all a problem of my own creation. I am absolutely the architect of my own misery here.

It touches every aspect of my life. I find that I am very defensive, very apt to fly off the handle at any little comment or observation of the decision that I made. I am quick to anger, I WANT to be angry. I thought that now, finally I would be comfortable in my skin. Mostly, I am. I love taking care of John, it may be the only thing I have ever been good at. So why the fuss?

When am I done growing up?