Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Pity Party

I've recently been struggling mightily with the perception of worth. Specifically, my own worth. I currently make no financial contribution in our house, and oh the hand-wringing, moping, and soul-searching this development has caused. I want to stay home with John. It is important to me, to us. I think it is what he needs. I KNOW it is what I need. But at what cost? To what end?

I just thought it would be simpler. That I wouldn't cringe every time I spent money that I no longer feel is mine. It is important to note that T does not make me feel this way- he doesn't believe that that there is a his or a mine. He's more of an ours kind of guy. This is all me, all a problem of my own creation. I am absolutely the architect of my own misery here.

It touches every aspect of my life. I find that I am very defensive, very apt to fly off the handle at any little comment or observation of the decision that I made. I am quick to anger, I WANT to be angry. I thought that now, finally I would be comfortable in my skin. Mostly, I am. I love taking care of John, it may be the only thing I have ever been good at. So why the fuss?

When am I done growing up?

4 Comments:

Blogger Lynne said...

Kelly -
First, let me assure you that you are not alone! And I really don't think it has anything to do with growing up, personally.
I also have to say that I love your honesty and your courage in saying what you feel. I wish I were as brave as you.

I'm thinking of you -
Lynne

3:58 PM  
Blogger Nancy said...

Kel,
There is no such thing as being a Mom without feeling guilty and torn, whether it's because of earning income, not earning income, leaving him at daycare, not leaving him at daycare, and on and on it goes. Just know that being a mom is incredibly important work, it is shaping the future of the world one little person at a time. You are a great mom, and however you choose to balance your life, you must trust yourself that you are doing what is best for you and your family.
On a completely other note, though, I'm just checking in to be certain that you have Johnny's baby oil and iodine packed for Friday. Oh, and his Speedo too!!
Love you and have fun.

4:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i have so much to say about this. we'll talk while we sip on umbrella drinks in FL. just know yyou are soo not alone!
-claire

12:13 PM  
Blogger Weezie said...

It's all your mom's fault if you ask me...Remember when you and Matt saw that news expose on latchkey kids??? When I got home from work that day you both ran to the door to tell me that you were LATCH KEY KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For many months after that I pictured the two of you ages 7 and 8 with scarlet ribbons supporting large keys around your necks. One of many nightmares. Like in the movie Spanglish, when the grama told the maid, no matter what you do, it never works anyway!!!You're the best.

5:56 PM  

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