Thursday, October 19, 2006

Our Very Stepford Life

Guess what Johnny did yesterday?

He went to SCHOOL, WHOA.

In an effort to further shrink my ass, I decided to become a member at the fitness center again. It is close, has good equipment, and the weather seems to be conspiring against my walking schedule. It made sense to join. They have a little "Kids Klub" room, and parents are free to drop off their kids for a nominal fee during the day.

We used the service for the first time yesterday morning, and it was completely trauma-free. For Johnny, that is.

I had to force myself to stay upstairs, on the elliptical, for 40 minutes. Then I had to force myself to walk the track and stretch out for another 10. Don't get me wrong, I ALWAYS have to force myself to do these things, just not usually because my kid is downstairs in the "Kids Klub" with a bunch of strangers.

When I got back down there, Johnny was pushing a car around the room, not at all bothered by my absence. The teacher said he did very well.

So why do I have these little twinges of guilt?

It's weird. It's weird to go and pay to work out while I pay someone to watch my kid. It's this weird, privileged little life that I'm living. It's weird that I manage to spend a little money every day, while I'm not bringing much in. It's weird that I pay an organization to advise me on how to shrink my ass through diet. Why can't I do it for free?

What isn't weird is that I'm still searching for that side of meaningingful I talked about all those months ago.

I don't mean to post a series of angsty entries. Most days, I feel great. But there is something missing. Something.

We'll find it.


Blogger Nancy said...

Gah! He is SO CUTE! And I love the shirt.
You are so NOT Stepford. When I would pay a sitter while I worked from home I had another feeling along with the guilt that I couldn't quite figure out. I know now that it was the feeling that I should be able to do it ALL, dammit, without paying someone else to do what was actually my job, to take care of my kids. You deserve time to workout and take care of yourself and are very wise to take it. It takes a long time to realize that getting away to recharge your batteries, albeit for an hour at a time, can make you a better mom overall. Plus, they've got CARS in the Kids room??? He'll never even know you're not there.
Thanks for listening to my free assvice :-)

6:28 PM  

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