Wednesday, June 28, 2006

The Post You're Looking For

If you are Gabi, that is.

Not long ago, I read this entry, and my head almost popped off my neck what with all the vehement nodding in agreement. I did NOT go and read the referenced article at Blogging Baby because I decided that no, no I don't need to feel any worse about this particular subject than I already do.

Coincidentally, right around the same time Kristin wrote about those crazy, nymphomaniac Australians, my neighbor started talking about Heidi Raykeil's book. Of course, my neighbor talked about the book in front of T, who thought that I should REALLY GET A COPY OF THAT, LIKE, YESTERDAY. So after the neighbor and her husband both read it, we inherited their copy. I finished it a week or so ago, and I'm just waiting for the sheets to combust with all the HOT, ENSUING ACTION.

Do you think anyone in my family is still reading? God, I hope not.

T is reading it now, and I hope that we can use it as a springboard for discussions that won't end in us pulling out the giant scoreboard that we keep under the bed, noting who has done more on what day than the other and therefore is the WINNER. Because that? Is not hot. Raykeil talks a lot about the division of labor and it's impact on intimacy. About how loving the teeny tiny human being that you both made can leave little room for loving each other if you aren't careful. About how what used to be easy now requires forethought, planning and determination. She talks about how hard it is to just fucking relax, sometimes, when you're worrying about the baby sleeping, worrying about the precious minutes ticking away before naptime is over. All those things? Also not hot.

I was struck by how little I know about what is to come as John gets older. How scary that feeling is, and how it contributes to all of the not hotness that we are currently suffering from. I stay home with him, and as the days fly by, I wonder what I'm going to be when I/he grow(s) up. Champion stain remover? Fastest diaper change in the (Mid)West? Marathon vacuum runner? Don't mistake me, those are valuable assets to my job. I do not discount them, or the job that I do. I'm looking for all of that with a side of more meaningful in the broader sense, if you know what I mean.

I have become so comfortable here, in the last 11 months. We have our cozy little nest that I continue to feather. I think I've lost myself a little in the process. Okay, I know it. I want to know that I can be somebody's mother AND somebody's wife.

And just someBODY, too.

Gabi and I went to see a play a few weeks ago- partly to have a fun night out, and partly because we went to school with one of the actors. After the show, we went out with her, and caught up. Gabi told her about my blog and she asked me what I could possibly have to write about. "Went to Target today, bought Pampers," she teased, in her very actor-ly way. She didn't mean to insult or deride and honestly, in the moment it was very funny. But later, I wondered if she didn't have a point, there. I mean, I'm not solving the problems of the world, here or anything. Shit, I'm barely making it out of the nest somedays. I'm certainly not placing the proper amount of emphasis on the relationship I have with my husband. All of those things? Necessary. Important.

So, out we fly. We're choking on all these feathers. Wish us luck.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I'll reserve my full comments until I read the book - but one thing struck me as I read the last paragraph:

You are so forgiving, Kelly. Of me for example. Right now, I know you are trying hard to be everything you think you "should" be. And, thats a noble goal to have. But just remember to treat yourself with as much kindness and gentleness as you treat others.

I love you - and the unmentionable? It really does get better!

6:20 AM  
Blogger Lynne said...

Okay, I am family but I feel the need to chime in anyway. Stop blushing, please.
In my view, it all gets better, really. Forget the books, as best you can, because we're all only human and doing the best we can. F and I still have that giant scoreboard but we only take it out when we're really tired and feeling underappreciated. Which is muchhhh less often than when the boys were J's size. Muchhhhh. Really. He'll get easier (in some ways he already has, but you're so tired from chasing after him, you've forgotten.) And when he gets easier, the rest of it falls into place with a bit of effort, which you're already exerting. So you'll get hot and heavy, and Johhny #2 will come along, and it'll start all over again!

Lots of love and good humor-

12:41 PM  

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